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Fear Forgoes Faith

August 14, 2017

This summer has been great.



But before all the compilation of photos go tell half the story, I'd love to tell the other, lesser known half. 


I made a bucket list of what I'd like to do in 2017.


Here are a few of those outlandish things:

1. Ride a motorcycle. 

2. Go on a Zip line

3. Eat on the rooftop of a restaurant.


Those were high, unrealistic goals for me January 2017. 


I've always been simple and I get excited over most anything! 


But the truth?


I'm terrified of what could come. 


"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

2 Timothy 1:7


I want power, love and self-discipline to describe me!!! SO badly! 


I want to be able to look back over everything with no doubt God has His hand on everything. I want Him to tell me that I'm within His will! I want to know that I'm hearing Him right and following the right path. I want to know I'm not losing time with my family and best friends for nothing. I just want to know... 


"He replied, "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm."

Matthew 8:26


I kinda equate the waves to uncertainty. The waves themselves are not bad.. But the uncertainty of what they could do.... the damage. That's the scary part. 


For a homeschooled, introverted homebody, who in the 6t grade was too scared to go order my own food at a restaurant, God has taken that mold and obliterated it. Part of what I considered my identity is now nowhere to be found. I've learned not told hold too tightly to those titles I gave myself.


Today was my first day immersed back into home life. I saw old friends at my home church as we worshipped together, ate with my family, cousins and grandparents like I have every Sunday afternoon I can remember at home, and ended the day in the house I've called home since birth.. The stability, certainty, and security I've had in life is truly rare. 


But last year I decided a degree based on the idea that I'd be heavily pursuing photography right now. But I've had to decline so many sessions just within this past month... 


I have no job and I'm 23.


There are relationships that I don't get to have anymore based off my recent choices. 


But what if I pursue this call and I fall flat on my face?


What if I turn down so many photo opportunities that I have to start completely over one day? Especially after all the work I've put into growing this business since I was 18 years old? 


What if I lose people in my life, whether to death, or we grow apart? 


Who says I won't fall on my face?


Who says it's all gonna work out?


Who says I'm even good enough?


Who says?


Well, I believe God Himself said.


That's what is so terrifying. 


My heart has longed to hear His voice, yet the inaudible aspect of His voice is where the enemy loves to wedge in doubt and fear.This whisper, this imprint on my heart has grown so distinct over the years, yet is just vague enough to wonder, "Is that You, God?" 


All that security and predictability I've grown accustom to has been thrown out the window.


It sometimes feels like Jesus is somewhere on my boat sleeping and I'm just looking out at the sea of uncertainty crashing all around. I let the enemy convince me the waves of uncertainty has that power to sink my boat. But I know He'd just wake up wondering where in the world my faith went! The disciples saw Him heal the blind, raise the dead, feed thousands and somehow thought silly waves could take them down. I've seen God provide in supernatural ways and I similarly started to lose faith at the first instance of uncertainty! 


Goodness, man's flesh is so weak!!


....I'm so weak.


So here is my declaration!!!!!!

I have NO clue what is coming up and I've had no audible confirmation of my decisions, BUT I am praying power, love and self-discipline define me. That still, small voice requires that I quiet down everything else.. fears, doubts, uncertainty, opinions! But the assumed job that I went to school for, the relationships that have shaped me, and fear of failure sound like the exact type of thing the Lord would ask of me to grow my faith cause those things are everything I care about!! 


So when any type of income and your closest relationships are expendable compared to the plan of God..It's probably a pretty good confirmation that you're officially out of control. And that's exactly where I want to be! Just as long as an all-knowing, all-powerful, always-on-my-side God is in control!


I believe there is strength in unity, so if you were encouraged by this or if you're in the same place..Let me know! Message me, comment or whatever! Let's do this life together!



Mackenzie Wray

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